Under the glittering surface of the diamond trade, author and serial entrepreneur Christine Clayfield suffered shocking abuse. What should have left a woman broken and dead only fueled her resolution to change her life and the lives of others. Here she shares her #BraveMe story:
I haven’t always been a successful entrepreneur. I haven’t always been a best-selling author helping thousands of aspiring entrepreneurs to take control of their income and subsequently their lives. I haven’t always been happy, loved or surrounded by close family and friends. I have not always been ready to share the story of my past in order to help those in the same situation know that there is a light and it is within reach.
‘You will never make anything of your life’, is something I was told over and over again, over many years, by various people in my life. People who should have supported me. This prediction did not come true, but it very nearly did:
‘I was in hospital for ten days, deep in a coma and completely unresponsive to the world around me- I couldn’t see, hear or feel the doctors, family or friends who came to visit me.’ – Quote from my novel, No Fourth River
My injuries should have ended my life. The doctors told my family to prepare for the worst.
This was the turning point in my life.
I did not only wake up, but I woke up with the inner determination to never be in this position again. I was never going to be the victim of circumstances and especially not the victim of others.
My main problem was not that Harry, my then-husband, was abusive and violent; it was that I was too afraid and full of self-doubt to leave him. Loneliness is the cruellest of all emotions and I avoided it to the brink of my own death. I can’t tell when I started to feel lonely; loneliness is a feeling that stretched back to my early childhood.
He upheld his position as master of our lives through vicious punishments he created in his domineering mind, from the generic slaps and punches to stress positions and withholding meals.
As a little girl, I was isolated. I grew up in a wealthy family. My father was a De Beers sightholder, a powerful man in the diamond industry. He was all-powerful in his own home. He demanded obedience, perfection and compliance from his family, even his children, no matter how young.
He upheld his position as master of our lives through vicious punishments he created in his domineering mind, from the generic slaps and punches to stress positions and withholding meals. His favourite punishment was to make us cut grass or trim the hedges with a blunt knife. All of my brothers and I suffered through this, except his favourite son, my brother Kane.
I was reduced to being a number. I started being called ‘Number 49’.
Growing up I was the middle child of five and I was also the only girl. Like most girls, my first female role model was my mother. My mother had the nervous disposition of someone who was always under scrutiny, held up to measure against standards that were always out of her reach. She bore her burden with calm and grace. Despite what my father put her through she never acted in any way to alarm or distress her children. However, my mother was not my only role model, at the tender age of five I was thrust into the care of the nuns at a girls-only boarding school.
Although it was one of the most expensive boarding schools, its strict authoritarian leadership bred cruelty. As a little girl living away from the safety of my family, I was reduced to being a number. I started being called ‘Number 49’. I landed in that boarding school with two problems that plagued me for the most part of my life. Instead of being equipped with the necessary confidence and support to face life, I was instead taunted, punished and ridiculed by the other girls and the nuns alike.
Unfortunate childhood, don’t you think?
This unfortunate childhood led to a very predictable, tumultuous adolescence and early adulthood. Being a teenager is hard enough without an abusive father and daily reminders of one’s inadequacy. My teenage years and early twenties were rife with bad choices, from alcohol addiction to promiscuity. Alcohol was my ‘magic potion’, it created a new world where I was appreciated and at least liked if not loved. I thought I was living a life of freedom, but in reality, I did not have the slightest notion of what it meant to be free.
My choice of friends and companionship left a lot to be desired. I had a skewed sense of what was acceptable in a relationship and there were plenty of people to take advantage of this. What mattered most to me in those unsettling years was that I thought I was fighting back, fighting back my upbringing, the loneliness and my feeling of inadequacy. I was receiving lavish attention when I had been starved of it all my life, it was exhilarating.
Like most abusers, Harry knew just how to control me, he knew what I wanted most desperately and he made sure to use it against me. Every time he was particularly violent, he’d come back the next day and apologise profusely, professing his undying love to me.
All this rebellion and wrong choices inevitably lead to the destructive relationship that was my marriage. Like most who end up as a statistic of domestic violence, I was used to physical and verbal abuse. Like most abusers, Harry knew just how to control me, he knew what I wanted most desperately and he made sure to use it against me. Every time he was particularly violent, he’d come back the next day and apologise profusely, professing his undying love to me. What held me in this relationship was that I was taught to forgive and forget and as someone who grew up in abuse, I just was not shocked by his behaviour.
You never think of the person you grew to love for what they do but for what you think they are, these were the rose-tinted glasses through which I was seeing my marriage. The result of this was me lying in agonising pain in a hospital bed with knuckle shaped contusions. After 10 days in a coma, hovering over the brink of death, I woke up. I had a choice to make and I am ever so grateful that I made the right one, albeit not an easy choice.
The choice I made
Too many young women do not have the chance to make the same choice in their lives. I don’t usually share my story with others, for fear that they might see me differently, or worse, not believe it. Being the woman I am now, although I bear the scars of my past, I don’t let it rule my present or ruin my future. I’ve been told by those who know my story that they find it inspiring and that I should share it with everyone. So I wrote a novel based on my life: ‘No Fourth River’ is my way to let the world know that despite the pain of your past, you have the ability to change your future. You can make it happen if you just believe. It all starts with you.
Ultimately, it all comes down to a choice. A choice that only you can make. A choice to let your past go. A choice to forgive those who have hurt you and move on. A choice to choose your own story and live it. A choice to have a choice.
If you would like to read my full story, you can get the book here in your prefered format.
Christine Clayfield has achieved recognition as a Bestselling Author for one of her Internet marketing books. She wrote 6 books: 1 novel and 5 Internet marketing related books. Christine’s past holds much pain and abuse, but it did not stop her from being the woman she is today by changing her life and building the future she wanted. She wants to empower and inspire the world with the release of “No Fourth River”, a novel, based on a true story: her own life.
Life was certainly no easy ride for her. To say she had a hard life as a child and a young adult, is an understatement. ‘No Fourth River’, is her way to let the world know that despite the pain of your past, YOU have the ability to change your future. YOU can make it happen if you just believe. It all starts with YOU.
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